Love letter to phone companies

Dear wind, I want to be wonderfully direct: I want to gently caress your cheeks.

For years you made them up all night long to give me a nervous breakdown and succeed. A randomly selected highlight among many: the convenient digital tariff, which, however, punishes me if I top up at the tobacconist instead of the app or if I call you. Too bad the application didn’t work (“funzionabat” in Latin, ANIMALS!) and I called and you doubled the cost and tricked me into calling. Then I read that the call ban was without incident. And so I called back to say exactly that I had reported an application malfunction on that phone call. And the operator GRAZIANO TORCIANI: “He’s right, but in this call he doesn’t signal a fault, it seems to me like a kind of comment call, let’s put it that way”. And you doubled my rate again, which quadrupled. But vafammocc’ a’tte and a postill’e chi t’è stramuort!!!!!

If I have bad things to say about you, I will do everything in my power to thwart you so you don’t get any new subscribers. First of all, my 40,000 slaves who follow this section, dear wind, they are what you dream of. Memorandum: do not switch to wind and if you already have it, switch your operator (my advice: Paggini Comunicare).

If you were to give me a choice today: die and wind fails or live and wind goes on, I would choose the first, unfortunately not great, but very great. Or better yet: I die and Wind becomes a complete success. I would probably choose this one just to feel the SUCK!!!!!

Ilias, now don’t make me curse you too.

PS Of course I’m joking and nothing is true. Wind does not complain. I had a GORGEOUS time with you! ! !

Dear Iliad.
You’re a great phone company. The other companies (don’t let me name them) are money sick, they just want to make as much money as possible and they treat customers like numbers. Not you. You spoil the customer, spoil him. You don’t care about the money, let’s face it. And an offer there and a nice backpack here and I’ll even give you the smartphone and here are 10 free text messages to talk to your dad who is in so much pain. Who are you? WHO ARE YOU? I love you so much. Here you are. Now it would be nice since in front of the almost millions of users who follow me I complimented you on officially looking out by sending me a thank you email. A manager, something like that… A dream, of course. Maybe I’m playing dumb. But you taught me years ago with the ILIAD tariff WITHOUT SNAP that dreams can come true. I ask you. I beg. Should I prostitute myself? Would it turn you on if I did it? tell me straight <3

Dear Tim,
I find “opposite you” bad (little poetic freedom!). You give me rates and then I find out there are better ones out there and you kept the old one for me just because I didn’t know because I was washing my dad’s clothes. I’m calling you, I’m pissed, I’m expecting an Anthony Hopkins-esque take on The Remains Of The Day and you can answer instead. I don’t like this thing. I have over 50,000 followers who I am a legend for, check us out. In one of the next Conglomerandocene I will write whether they have to remove the TIM or not. In the meantime I leave you my email where it would not hurt if I received an apology in fiberglass and a nice poplar stool to put Ilia’s backpack when I go to the restaurant for dinner:

For now I SET the subscriptions from scratch for TIM by my followers (do not subscribe). In a few days I will activate or confirm and then those who already have TIM will also have to switch.

Dear Vodafone it.

I know you do sensational orders (6 euros tutticcouse) for those who switch to you from Iliad, since Iliad is already spending little and you want to try them.

Well I intend to switch from those Wind Italia HIV positive organic polyphosphates to you (I hate you and Graziano the operator is firing him).

Can we make an exception and also give me the Iliad treatment? Otherwise I get 12 euros.

As you can see, unlike all your clients except Stefano Andreoli, I have a column followed by more than 100,000 people and I promise I will promote it. Rise: do you want your mouth? Want the cutest mouth? went.

If you make me this offer of 6 euros leave me a comment on myspace as a signal and I will contact you during the night. Otherwise, if I have to pay 12 euros, I can also switch straight to Tele2, which my friend Christian Raimo thinks is better because of the “strontium repeaters” (he says I don’t understand if this is a joke). And I turn to Tim: wouldn’t you shut up and do the 6 euro thing too, aummaumma? If so, contact Vodafone, put up an auction between you and whoever can give me more at the lowest price, then contact me (even a nice backpack will fit). And let me know if the strontium booster thing is a joke.

Christian Raimo has Coop Voce, but as he says while greedily throwing away the Boers: “He doesn’t take shit, especially Quintiliani hahaha”.

Dear CoopVoce, are we really joking?
“Choose your new CoopVoce tariffs, subscribe and win a great surprise”
“You choose”? “subscribers”? “Win”? I didn’t even get orders from my father when I was five, let alone a conventicle of goblins. Unless the surprise is a nice knobby 50-60cm cock with a chapel snarling at the moon my dear because I’m gender biased check this out (Problems dear CoopVoce? In the 60’s you got Umberto Bindi ghettoized, but shame on you…)

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